


Yesterday's Gone

by Seaspray13



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Amnesia, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Getting Back Together, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:08:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28019016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seaspray13/pseuds/Seaspray13
Summary: An accident causes Julian to lose his memory and Garak is left to pick up the pieces of their relationship.Updates on Fridays.
Relationships: Elim Garak & Keiko O'Brien, Elim Garak & Miles O'Brien, Jadzia Dax & Elim Garak, Julian Bashir & Elim Garak, Julian Bashir & Jadzia Dax, Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Comments: 147
Kudos: 155





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Full disclaimer, I don’t know anything about how memory loss works so don’t expect this to be medically accurate. Thank you to my wonderful friend bluecrow over on Discord for betaing this.

Garak was standing outside the infirmary, doing his best to appear indifferent. The medical staff had let Captain Sisko and Major Kira inside but he had been told to wait.

All he knew was that something had gone terribly wrong during a shuttle mission and now Julian was in the infirmary, and he was certainly not serving in his usual capacity as chief medical officer. Garak hated not knowing what was going on.

 _He’s dying, and there’s nothing you can do to prevent it,_ the cynical part of his brain said. The fact that his mind chose to manifest that thought in the voice of Enabran Tain was inconsequential.

After the incident with the wire, Garak had finally admitted his feelings for the human both to himself and Julian. It was a stroke of luck (not that Garak really believed in luck) that Julian had felt the same. 

Garak began to pace. He should’ve been allowed in the infirmary, to be at Julian’s side. The good doctor had never left his, even when Garak had lashed out in anger.

If Garak didn’t know something, he had various methods of getting the information he needed. However, there was no hacking Julian’s diagnosis. Short of barging into the infirmary, something which was both undignified, and would likely result in him being hauled out by security, there was nothing he could do but wait. Garak was a patient man but this, this was agonizing.

The moments slipped away. Garak could hear raised voices coming from inside but he wasn’t quite able to make out what was being said. Cardassian hearing was not quite as sensitive as most other humanoids, a fact which only increased his frustration.

Finally, after what felt like ages, Captain Sisko walked out of the infirmary.

“Mr. Garak,” he said.

“Captain.”

“Dr. Bashir’s condition has been stabilized.”

“I’m relieved to hear it,” Garak said, but he could sense that there was something more the Captain hadn’t told him.

Sisko seemed to hesitate, as if he were having difficulty figuring out what to say next.

“...Am I permitted to see him now?” Garak prompted.

“Yes,” Sisko said, “but I’m afraid the accident did a lot of damage to the memory centers of his brain. Right now, he remembers almost nothing from the last few years.”

Garak blinked. _The last few years? Oh no, no, no..._

Sisko continued on, “he’s very confused right now. The medical staff believe that there’s a chance that most of his memory will return, but there’s no telling how long it will take. The best thing for him now is to be surrounded by familiar people, places, and things, to help jog his memory.”

Garak was expending entirely too much effort in an attempt to maintain composure. “Thank you, Captain,” he managed to say.

Sisko nodded and gestured towards the infirmary entrance.

Garak wasted no time going inside. As he made his way towards the back, Major Kira passed him, going in the opposite direction. The look of pity she gave him sent off a thousand warning bells inside his head. It was no secret that the Major didn’t think too highly of him. She tolerated him, for Julian’s sake, Garak suspected. If she had looked at him that way then it meant something was very, very wrong.

He was finally where he wanted, where he needed to be, at Julian’s side. The room seemed to empty of nurses and other medical personnel, as if they had sensed the need for privacy.

“Julian,” Garak said. He longed to reach out and take his hand but remembering Sisko’s warning, he held back.

“They... the medical staff, they told me I’ve lost a lot of my memory from the past few years.”

“Yes, that is what Captain Sisko told me.”

“Captain Sisko...” Julian said, as if he were testing out the name. “I know I graduated from Starfleet medical, and I requested an assignment on Deep Space Nine...” He trailed off, “I’m told this is Deep Space Nine, but I don’t recognize anything.” Julian finally focused on Garak himself, “you’re... Cardassian?”

Garak felt his heart clench, “yes.”

“I’ve never met a Cardassian before... at least, I don’t think I have,” his brows knit in concentration. “Are you a friend?”

“Yes.”

“What’s your name?”

“Garak.”

“Just Garak? Plain and simple?”

Garak put his hands behind his back so Julian couldn’t see them shake, “yes, just Garak,” he said, forcing a smile.

“Nice to meet you, again, Mr. Garak.”

“The pleasure is all mine, Dr. Bashir.”

Julian sighed, “I don’t feel much like a doctor at the moment.”

“Nevertheless, you are a doctor, and a very capable one at that.”

“Flattery?” Julian smiled. “I can see why I keep you around.”

A nurse had come into the room to let them know that Julian needed to rest but they would let Garak know when he was ready to receive visitors again. 

“I’m not that tired,” Julian protested.

“The nurse is right, you’ve been through quite the ordeal, my dear. I will return once the medical professionals deem it wise.”

“Fine,” Julian conceded. “I’ll see you soon then, Mr. Garak.”

“Just Garak is fine,” he said. “I’ll see you soon... Julian.”

Once Garak had left the infirmary he made a beeline for his shop. He locked the door and put up the closed sign before going back to his storeroom to find the strongest bottle of kanar he owned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos appreciated! Let me know what you think so far.


	2. Two

The next morning, Garak was standing in Sisko’s office. The captain was leaning back in his chair, rolling a baseball between his fingers as if to collect his thoughts.

They were both here to discuss the issue of Julian Bashir.

It was likely he would be released from the infirmary today, although it would still be some time before he would return to active duty. 

Where would Julian go when he was released? The tailor and the doctor had been sharing quarters for well over two years. It would certainly be obvious to Julian that they were more than ‘friends’ if they were living together.

What if Julian’s memories never returned? What if something went differently and Julian decided he didn’t want to be with Garak? 

These were the questions Garak had asked last night while he drank himself into a pitiful state.

“I think it would be best, if we gave Julian his own quarters for now,” Sisko began, as if he could read Garak’s thoughts.

“I agree.”

“I understand this must be very difficult for you Mr. Garak, but we have to do what’s best for Dr. Bashir.”

“Of course,” Garak said. He did not need to be told to do what was best for Julian. His greatest weakness was that he would do everything and anything for that man.

“We need to take things slow, help the doctor adjust to life here again.” Sisko paused, “I would like you to be his guide. I assume I don’t need to make that an official order?”

“No, of course not. I will do my best to help J—Dr. Bashir.”

Sisko smiled. “Good. You’re dismissed.”

Garak gave a slight nod and turned to leave.

“Mr. Garak?” Sisko called just before the Cardassian reached the door.

“Yes?” 

“Let me know if you need anything,” Sisko said, his rougher edges seeming to melt away. It had always been clear that Sisko was a man who cared, although Garak didn’t always understand why.

“I will keep that offer in mind,” Garak said, and walked out the door.

\--- 

Julian was released from the infirmary in the evening and had been assigned quarters not too far from their joint quarters, now just ‘Garak’s’ quarters. All of the doctor’s personal possessions such as his clothes, PADDs containing medical journals, and Kukulaka had been moved as well. 

Garak stood outside Julian’s quarters, hesitating a moment before he rang the door chime.

“Come in!” Came Julian’s voice, and Garak obeyed.

Julian had been sitting on the couch but he stood up when he saw who it was. “Mr. Garak—er, sorry, just plain, simple Garak, I remember,” he smiled. “It’s good to see you.”

“Likewise,” Garak said. “You are certainly looking more yourself.”

“Well, that’s good to hear. I certainly don’t feel like myself.”

“Oh?”

“Some things I remember, like Kukulala,” he gestured to the bear. “And I know who I am, but you, these quarters,” he shook his head. “I don’t remember any of it.”

“With any luck, your memories will start to return.”

“But what if they don’t?” Julian said, sitting back down on the couch. “When a person has this much memory loss the likelihood that they will be able to recover all of it is slim.”

“Then you will just have to make new memories.” Garak said, and hopefully I will be a part of those new memories, he thought.

Julian nodded, “I suppose those are my only options then.”

“Captain Sisko has tasked me with getting you reacquainted with the station and its inhabitants.”

Julian’s face lit up. “That’s a relief, I’m glad I have someone to help me navigate everything, otherwise I’ll probably end up saying something stupid to an ex-girlfriend or worse,” he paused. “Do I have a girlfriend?”

Garak swallowed. “No.”

“Good, I would hate to break someone’s heart on top of everything else,” Julian said as he got up and ordered a cup of Tarkalean tea from the replicator. “At least I remember liking tea,” he said as he returned to the couch with his mug. “Sit down, tell me about us.”

“Us?”

“You, us, our friendship. I saw a ‘Garak’s Clothiers’ on the promenade, is that your shop?”

“Yes,” Garak said as he moved to sit down, keeping a respectful distance between himself and Julian, as much as it pained him to do so.

“You’re a tailor than?”

“Among other things.”

“Do you enjoy it?”

“It keeps me busy.”

Julian nodded. “What do we usually like to do together?”

“You and I will often share lunch and discuss literature.”

“What kind of literature?”

“Human and Cardassian, but we have sampled the literature of a few other species.”

“What was the last book we read?”

“ _Pride and Prejudice_ , a human novel chosen by yourself,” Garak told him.

Julian twisted his face in deep concentration. After a few minutes he sighed and shook his head, “I can’t remember any of it Garak, not a single word.”

“Then we shall just have to read and discuss it again.”

“You’d do that?”

“Of course, my dear.”

“You’re an extraordinarily patient person, Garak.”

“I’ve been told it’s one of my better qualities,” Garak said. Julian had told him that, on multiple occasions.

They were interrupted by the door chime, “come in!” Julian called.

Lieutenant Jadzia Dax strolled in, hands clasped behind her back and a smile on her face. “Hello Julian.”

Julian glanced over at Garak, and Garak understood that he would need to facilitate introductions.

“Ah, Julian, this is Lieutenant Jadzia Dax. Another one of your friends.”

Julian looked back at the woman. “You’re a Trill.”

“Very observant,” Jadzia said, still smiling. “I wanted to see if you had any plans for dinner tonight.”

Julian blinked. “If I did, I wouldn’t remember them.”

Dax’s eyes betrayed a hint of sadness at that. “Would you feel up to coming to Quark’s with me?”

“Other than my memory, I feel fine, so I don’t see why not.”

“Great, I’ll meet you there in ten minutes,” she said and made her exit.

After she left Julian turned to Garak. “She seemed nice.”

“Lieutenant Dax is certainly a very personable individual. I trust that you will be quick to discover her many other strong characteristics over dinner.”

“Oh! Garak, I should’ve have asked her if you could join us. That was rather rude of me.”

“Don’t concern yourself, my dear, I have some housekeeping items that require my attention.”

“Are you sure?” Julian asked.

“I am. Now, go enjoy your dinner. My quarters are just down the hall if you need me.”

“Thanks Garak.”

Garak was thankful that Julian had turned and did not witness the look of pain that the Cardassian was unable to keep from his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos appreciated!


	3. Three

That night, Garak lay in a bed that was entirely too big as his very much intact memory decided to torment him.

_Julian laughed as Garak ran a hand up the human’s bare chest, “that tickles.”_

_“Apologies, my dear,” Garak had said, kissing Julian on the nose._

_“Hmmmm,” Julian hummed with pleasure._

_They were both naked, Julian laying on his back while Garak hovered over him._

_“Elim?”_

_“Yes, my dear?”_

_“Do you ever think about the future?”_

_Garak shifted to the side and flopped down next to Julian, who turned to look at him. “The future is a very broad subject, Julian.”_

_“Our future then. Once this war is over, what are we going to do?”_

_Garak looked into his eyes. The first thought that came to mind was that he had never imagined much of a future for himself after he was exiled, much less a future with a beautiful federation doctor at his side. Instead he said: “you’re the young idealistic Starfleet doctor. What do you want for your future?”_

_“I’m going to pretend you didn’t just answer my question with a question,” Julian replied, and then he paused. “To be honest, I just want to go home.”_

_Garak frowned. “To Earth?”_

_“Earth is my home planet, but I haven’t felt like I’ve really belonged there in years,” Julian turned onto his side so he was facing Garak. “After coming to the station, I started to feel like this was my home but... I think I’m beginning to realize that home is more about the people than the place.”_

_Garak blinked. “I’m not quite sure I follow.”_

_“What I’m saying, Mr. Garak.” Julian began, “is that wherever you go, I’ll go.”_

_“What if I’m allowed to return to Cardassia Prime?”_

_“Then I’ll go with you,” Julian grinned. “I’ve already won the heart of one Cardassian, I’m sure the rest of the planet won’t be that much more difficult.”_

_Every day, Garak marveled at the creature that was Dr. Julian Bashir. In moments like this, he was forced to grapple with the fact that he had done very little to earn such a mate._

_Garak didn’t respond immediately, instead he just reached out with his hand to stroke the side of Julian’s face._

_Julian took the hand gently in his own and brought it up to his mouth for a kiss before releasing it. “What do you think?”_

_“I think,” Garak said, wrapping an arm around Julian to pull him in close, “that I can truthfully admit to looking forward to what the future might be.”_

And now that future was gone, shattered. Garak stopped the memory before it could progress any further. He couldn’t bear to think of the love they’d shared that night, not anymore.

He threw off the sheets and got out of bed. It was clear that sleep would evade him this night. 

Garak quickly got dressed, he needed to go for a walk, clear his head, get out of this space that had been theirs. He walked out of the door, no clear destination in mind. His feet eventually brought him to the railing overlooking the promenade, where Nog and young Sisko once spent their time watching the crowds of people bustle about.

There were far less people out now, both because of the threat of war and the late hour of the artificial night. Some of Quark’s patrons still lingered (did that Ferengi ever sleep?), and security was making some late night rounds.

“Couldn’t sleep either?” came a voice from behind Garak.

Had he cared to pay attention he would have noticed the chief well before he had spoken, but Garak was long past caring. “Mr. O’Brien,” he acknowledged. 

Chief Miles Edward O’Brien was a man Garak had very little in common with, aside from their love for Julian, but that fact was enough for them to be civil towards one another. 

The chief moved to lean over the railing. They sat in silence for several minutes before he spoke. “I can’t imagine how you must be feeling right now.”

Garak glanced over at the chief but stayed silent. The conversation had yet to begin and he already wanted it to be over with.

O’Brien seemed to take the silence as permission to carry on, “I know how bad I feel, so I can only guess it must be worse for you.” He paused. “I keep thinking, what if something happened to Keiko and she couldn’t remember me or Molly or Yoshi. To be honest, I don’t know what I would do with myself.”

Garak knew that the chief was attempting to comfort him, in his own way, but Garak didn’t need his comfort or his pity. The Cardassian had spent very little of his life in comfort, he was more than used to going without.

“When are you going to tell Julian, about the two of you?” O’Brien asked.

A direct question, Garak supposed he couldn’t avoid answering. “I’m not.”

“You’re not!? What do you mean you’re not? You can’t just not tell someone something like that.”

“Chief,” Garak said, his voice betraying no hint of emotion. “If someone you only remember knowing for a few days told you that you’d actually been in a relationship with them for several years, would you be inclined to believe them?”

“I suppose not...” the chief admitted.

“Precisely, and if I told Julian and he did believe me, no doubt his kindheartedness and sense of duty would compel him to be with me, regardless of if that was what he truly desired. Even though his memories are gone, he still has the ability to make his own choices, and I plan on letting him make those choices, even if it means he doesn’t choose me.” Garak refused to make eye contact.

O’Brien gave the Cardassian a sad smile. “You know Garak, this almost makes me feel bad for all the shit I used to give you.”

“Almost?” Garak looked at him now.

“You’re still a pretentious pain-in-the-ass,” O’Brien said with a smile and then he turned serious. “I respect what you’re trying to do for Julian, and if I were in your shoes I don’t think I’d be strong enough to do it.”

Garak just nodded and turned his attention back to the promenade.

“Well, if there’s anything Keiko or I can do, let us know,” the chief said, and then he was gone.

Chief O’Brien had called Garak strong, but the Cardassian felt that the slightest provocation would cause him to break into a million pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas to those who celebrate! 
> 
> Comments and kudos appreciated,


	4. Four

Garak never did return to his quarters. Instead he went to his shop. There were plenty of commissions he needed to work on and it was better to have something other than Julian to occupy his mind.

The thoughts were still there, but it was easier to push them down when he was busy talking to his round of morning customers. He supposed he was being rather neglectful in his role as Julian’s guide, but at the moment he needed a break.

The universe however, seemed to disagree with him. “Good morning Mr. Garak!” Julian said as he casually strolled into the shop. “I stopped by your quarters but you weren’t there so the computer helped point me in the right direction.”

This Julian was a touch more spirited then the one Garak was used to. _He’s as he was, fresh out of the academy,_ Garak reminded himself. “Good morning, my dear.”

Julian seemed to be assessing his surroundings. “So this is your shop?”

“Indeed.”

The doctor moved to examine a blue and gold dress that was hanging off one of the mannequins. “You make all of these yourself?”

“I do.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, why make clothes when you could just replicate them?”

Garak almost smiled, he remembered having this same conversation a long time ago. “Why bother going to a doctor when you could just tell a computer your symptoms and let it recommend you a treatment?”

“That’s not even close to the same—,”

“Oh but it is,” Garak interrupted. “It’s the personal touch, Julian, as important in your profession as it is in mine. A replicated suit is vastly inferior to a tailored suit in both look and feel, just as a living doctor’s intuition is superior to that of a machine.”

“Yes, but having the best suit isn’t a matter of life and death.”

“I disagree, clearly you’ve never been in a situation where that was the case. I have, and let me tell you, I was thankful to have a properly tailored suit.”

Julian rolled his eyes. “There’s really no arguing with you, is there?”

“Of course there is, that’s the point, my dear. Argument is a proud Cardassian tradition.”

“Why do I get the feeling you’re just making that up?”

“I assure you, it’s quite true. A good debate is the best way to keep one’s mind sharp,” _and very important for determining the suitability of a potential mate,_ Garak thought. 

“I suppose you’re right,” Julian paused. “You said before that we used to ‘discuss’ literature, but I’m guessing it’s more accurate to say we argued about literature.”

“How perceptive of you.”

“Well, we should start doing it again... that is, if you’re interested.” He said it so casually, like it was nothing of consequence. 

Garak had to remind himself that for this Julian it was nothing of consequence. “I would be delighted.”

Julian beamed. “Great. Now are you going to choose the book or shall I? I’m afraid I don’t remember what we’ve already read.”

“You may choose this time, I’ll be sure to let you know if it’s a work we’ve previously discussed,” Garak lied. He wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to see whether or not Julian would argue the same points that he had in the past.

“Hmmm,” Julian seemed to consider for a moment. “Alright, I’ve got one, _1984_ by George Orwell.”

Oh. _Oh._ Once upon a time they had spent hours passionately arguing about this particular piece of Earthen fiction. It had eventually evolved into passions of a... different variety. Garak was certainly willing to walk down that road again. “I assume a copy can be found in your Federation database?”

Julian nodded. “Will a week be enough time for you to read it?”

“That will be sufficient, yes.”

Julian smiled. “We’ll discuss it in a week then.” He made a move towards the door and then stopped, turning back to face Garak. “You know, this whole losing my memory thing has been very disorienting. Everyone seems to know me while I know nothing about them and it seems to make some people uncomfortable. I know it probably hasn’t been easy for you either but you’ve been so helpful and patient, so I just wanted to say thank you.”

“You’re very welcome, my dear.” Garak’s heart threatened to burst.

The doctor gave him one last smile before walking out the door.

As Garak watched Julian’s retreating form, the Cardassian was struck with a feeling that he hadn’t felt since before the shuttle accident.

That feeling was hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year! 
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated!


	5. Five

Garak watched Keiko O’Brien as she carefully worked on transplanting a rather delicate plant specimen from one pot to another.

The two of them were in a cargo bay that had been temporarily turned into a greenhouse while Keiko worked on her latest bit of research.

As much as her husband set Garak on edge, Mrs. O’Brien was a calming and welcome presence. Sometimes she and Garak would talk, (the botanist was an excellent listener and full of good advice) but more often they would sit in silence, content simply to be in one another’s company. These silences were never awkward or tense as Keiko understood Garak’s private nature and he understood her desire to focus in her work. Today, however, it was evident that Keiko had something she desperately wanted to speak about. Garak had a feeling he knew what it was.

“Mrs. O’Brien,” Garak began “I know you have questions about Julian—“

Keiko jumped in before he could even finish. “Garak, I don’t understand why you won’t tell Julian about your life together.”

“I explained to your husband—“

“I know what you told Miles, and I think its bullshit,” she sighed, putting down the hand trowel she had been using. “Miles and I went to go visit Julian earlier today. We re-introduced ourselves and talked for a while. Considering all he’s been through, he seems to be handling everything really well. I don’t think you telling him the truth will break him, he’s more than capable of making his own decisions as long as he’s given all the information.”

“Perhaps,” Garak said, noncommittally.

“To be honest, I’m more worried about you.”

“Me?” Garak raised an eyebrow ridge. “I’m perfectly all right, my dear.”

Keiko gave him a look. “Are you really, because I know how good you are at hiding your feelings.”

Garak was silent for a moment. “In truth, I believe I am doing alright. Julian and I are planning on a literary discussion next week.

“That’s wonderful!”

“Indeed. I am feeling... hopeful about our prospects.”

“You can tell me about it on the way back to the habitat ring. I’m just about finished here,” she said, taking off her gloves.

Garak nodded, his lunch break was almost over but he certainly had time to walk Mrs. O’Brien back to her quarters.

“Talking to Julian earlier felt like talking to someone from the past,” Keiko began as they exited the cargo bay.

“I assume you’re referring to his unbridled enthusiasm?”

“That’s part of it. I think I had just forgotten the way he was when we all first arrived on the station. He hasn’t experienced the war...” Saying this seemed to bring up unpleasant memories, judging from the look on her face.

“Perhaps he is all the better for it,” Garak said as they boarded the turbolift

“I think we would all be better, without so much death.”

Garak was silent for a moment, sometimes he wondered, how he managed in his early life, often being the cause of pain and death. Now, thinking of such things turned his stomach. _The effects of courting a healer._ He thought. “While that may be true, Julian deserves to have his memories back, if possible.”

“Of course.”

“It is my hope that the familiarity of meeting for lunch will help jog his memory.”

As they exited the turbolift, Garak saw Julian and Lieutenant Dax walking down the corridor.

“Garak! Keiko!” Julian called when he saw them.

The four of them met in the middle of the hallway. “Doctor. Lieutenant.” Garak said by way of greeting.

“Jadzia and I were just down at Quark’s,” Julian began. “She was teaching me how to play Tongo.”

“He’s pretty good, for a beginner,” Dax added with a smile, hands clasped behind her back.

“We were going back to my quarters for some drinks, if you want to join us,” Julian offered.

“Thanks Julian, but I have to go check on the kids,” Keiko explained.

“A tempting offer, however my shop is nearly due to reopen and it is poor business to keep customers waiting,” Garak said.

Julian’s face fell and Garak felt a stab of guilt. It was clear the doctor was doing his best to rebuild the social network he had forgotten. Garak was his own boss, so he could, technically, close his shop for the rest of the day if he wanted, and Captain Sisko HAD requested that Garak be Julian’s guide, not Lieutenant Dax...

“I will be free after 1700 hours,” Garak quickly added, hoping to repair some of the damage.

Julian smiled. “You’ll come by my quarters then?”

“Yes,” Garak agreed. He saw Lieutenant Dax and Mrs. O’Brien exchange a knowing glance. Out of all the station residents, Garak supposed that these two could be credited with being the most supportive of the doctor and the tailor getting together. 

“Alright, I’ll see you then, Elim.”

Keiko let out a little gasp.

Garak felt as though a shuttlecraft had landed on top of him. “W—what did you say?”

Julian frowned, “I said...wait,” he paused as the realization seemed to hit him. “Who’s Elim?” His gaze landed on Garak. It was impossible to tell if this look was pointed or if Julian was simply looking to the Cardassian for guidance.

“That’s my first name,” Garak said, despite the fact that he felt like he could hardly breathe.

“Oh my god!” Julian exclaimed, slapping a hand to his forehead. “I think I remembered something. You’re sure you didn’t tell me your first name, when I woke up in the infirmary.”

“I did not,” Garak confirmed.

“That’s right, just plain, simple Garak, you said,” Julian was beaming. “Then I really did remember something, this is fantastic!”

“Hopefully this is a sign that your memory is starting to come back,” Jadzia said with a smile.

“Indeed,” Garak agreed. This was certainly a start, but there was still a long way to go.

“Oh, Julian, that’s wonderful!” Keiko said. “Miles will be so happy when I tell him.”

Julian’s face was as bright as a sun. Garak had not seen him look like this in quite some time.

“I know you and Keiko have to get going,” Julian began, “but I’ll see you this evening... Elim,” he winked.

Garak was left dumbstruck as Julian and Lieutenant Dax resumed their course down the corridor. Keiko gave his arm a reassuring squeeze, and then she too was gone.

Garak made a mental note to explain proper Cardassian name etiquette to Julian at a later date, but for now he was just thankful to hear his name on Julian’s lips once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My life goal is to put as much Keiko & Garak friendship into the world as I possibly can.
> 
> Comments and kudos are always welcome!


	6. Six

The rest of the day seemed to drag on endlessly. All Garak could think about was the way Julian had said his name. The little kernel of hope that had lodged itself inside Garak was beginning to grow, against his better judgment.

Garak ushered Morn out of the shop as the time approached 1700 hours. The man had come in regarding a pair of trousers that needed mending but had spent the last fifteen minutes subjecting Garak to all the details from his most recent trip to Risa. The Cardassian had neither the time nor the patience to humor Morn today.

Garak finished closing up shop and made his way to the habitat ring. He stopped outside Julian’s quarters and rang the buzzer.

No answer.

Garak frowned, had Julian forgotten? He had seemed very enthusiastic about meeting up this afternoon. Garak tried ringing again. Once again, no one answered.

“Computer, locate Doctor Bashir.”

“Doctor Bashir is in his quarters,” came the instant reply.

Confusion turned to concern. “Julian?” Garak called. He waited a moment, and received no reply.

Garak’s mind immediately went to some very dark places. _Julian was hurt, or worse. Perhaps the accident had done more damage than anyone realized and now Julian was about to lose more than just his memories._ He pushed those thoughts aside and tired to focus. A few swift strokes of his fingers and he was able to override the door mechanism. He would apologize for invading Julian’s privacy later, _if there was a later._

Stepping inside, Garak immediately froze. Julian was sitting on the couch and it was obvious he had been crying. There were PADDs strewn haphazardly around him.

“Julian?” Garak asked, slowly making his way towards the doctor.

“So the secret’s out,” Julian said flatly, not looking at Garak.

Garak’s heart nearly stopped. “...I’m not sure I follow, my dear.”

“I—I was looking through my own medical file, I was just wondering if anything had happened to me that I didn’t remember...”

Garak was close enough now that he could sit down on the couch. “What did you find, Julian?” Garak was wracking his brain trying to think of what could possibly have been in that file to reduce Julian to this state. Garak had made it very clear to the medical staff that he didn’t want anything regarding their relationship status on record. If one of the nurses had gotten careless...

The human finally looked at him, “my... enhancements, they know.” His voice was flat but his eyes were swirling with a mix of emotions that looked about to bubble over.

Garak nearly breathed a sigh of relief. He assumed that ‘they’ referred to Starfleet. “Yes” he said simply.

“But I’m still here.”

“Would you rather not be?”

Julian was beginning to get worked up. “I don’t understand, everyone knows that I’m illegal, that I’m a freak, and yet it’s business as usual?!” He stood up, suddenly unable to sit still.

“Illegal by your Federation laws, perhaps, but you’re certainly no freak, my dear. At least, no more than the rest of us.”

“I want you to tell me what happened, now.”

Garak obliged. He told Julian about the visit from Dr. Zimmerman, Julian’s parents coming to the station, the way his father had let the secret slip, and how the crisis had been resolved. Julian was silent as Garak explained but he did sit back down.

When Garak finished, Julian spoke. “It’s so typical of my parents, to come here and ruin everything.”

Garak said nothing. It was evident that Julian needed a bit of time to absorb all the new information.

“What did you think, when you learned what I was?”

Of all the questions Garak had expected Julian to ask, this was not one of them. He was quiet for a moment. “I thought that, given the evidence it made sense that you had enhanced abilities. I was also rather impressed that you had kept that secret from me for as long as you did.”

“What evidence?”

“You may not remember, but you survived a psychic attack from a Lethean, an attack which, for a human like yourself, should have been fatal. It was obviously more than ‘luck’ that kept you alive, Julian. I knew it was because you were strong but I was unaware of the type of strength you possessed,” Garak said. “Also, one could not debate literature in the manner that you do without a near perfect memory. In the past, whenever you touched me I sometimes felt that you were holding back, as if you were afraid you might injure me.”

Julian furrowed his brow at that last piece of evidence and Garak wanted to curse. He had said too much. Garak had not touched Julian since before the shuttle accident so it was safe to say that up until this point Julian had not known there was a physical aspect to their relationship. Garak’s desire to touch him persisted, even now.

Julian however, didn’t seem to dwell on what had been said. “It’s such a strange feeling, knowing that people know. I’m not sure if I’ll ever get used to it.”

“You did, and you will,” Garak reassured him.

Julian’s mind returned to the present as he appeared to truly register Garak’s presence in his quarters. “Hang on, how did you even get in here? I locked the door.”

“Ah, yes, the door. Well, I was able to bypass the security measures.”

Julian raised an eyebrow. “Where did you learn a trick like that?”

“You would be amazed at the things one can learn while taking a customer’s measurements.”

“A customer just casually explained how to disable Starfleet security measures in record time?”

“Yes, that is what I said.”

“I can’t believe you. Breaking into a officer’s quarters is strictly against station regulations, you know.” Julian smiled.

“Would you rather I’d left after getting no response from the chimes?”

“No,” Julian admitted. “No, I’m glad you came in, even if your methods were dubious.”

“I think the word you’re looking for is ‘effective’”

“That is certainly one way to look at it.”

“I’m glad you agree.”

“Garak?”

“Yes, my dear?”

“Thank you, I feel a lot better about this whole situation.”

“You are most welcome.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has been following along with this story. I love reading your comments!


	7. Seven

A week had come and gone. Julian had been put back on active duty in the infirmary. Sisko had reasoned that since all of his medical knowledge remained intact, there was nothing stopping Julian from resuming his role as station CMO.

The lunchtime hour was quickly approaching and Garak was more than ready for their debate. He had arrived at their usual table a few minutes early so he could wait for Julian to arrive.

He didn’t have to wait long, within a few moments Julian had appeared and plopped himself down in the chair opposite Garak, bowl of soup in hand, “Hello Mr. Garak,” he said with a smile.

“Good afternoon, my dear.”

“So, _1984_ , what did you think of it?”

“I thought that it followed the tendency of human literature to lean towards pointless idealism.”

“Pointless? The social commentary was hardly pointless, especially in the context of the mid 20th century, when the book was published.”

“And what precisely is the comment on society?”

“That absolute government power is dangerous, that living under constant surveillance is no way to live at all.” 

“Hmmm, very interesting.”

“Do you have a different opinion?”

Garak was thoroughly enjoying the way Julian was getting wound up, “I rather admired some of the Party’s methods. You say that the society in which the characters lived was dangerous, yet it was very orderly. People went to work and did their jobs with precision. ”

“What use is order without freedom? You and I wouldn’t even be able to have this conversation without being arrested for thought crime.”

“Of course we could, it would simply have to be a matter of discretion. Winston and Julia could’ve continued meeting together for some time if they hadn’t gotten careless.”

“But there shouldn’t even be a need for discretion. People should be able to be with the people they love without fear.”

Garak smiled a little at that, “And as for your objection to surveillance, does not Constable Odo keep round-the-clock surveillance on nearly all areas of the station?”

“That’s completely different. Odo isn’t spying on me to see if I’m doing something harmless like keeping a diary, he’s just making sure no one is causing problems or doing something illegal.”

“So surveillance is alright, only insofar as it suits your needs?”

Julian shook his head in disbelief. “There is no way I’m letting you win this argument.”

“If that is your goal then I’m afraid we will be stuck here well into the night.” Garak smiled, it felt as though they were finally returning to that old familiar rhythm 

That statement seemed to create a shift in Julian. “That reminds me, I probably won’t see you this evening. I have a date,” he grinned.

The air around Garak grew still, the book suddenly forgotten. “...A date?”

“Yes, one of the new dabo girls, her name is Clara. Unlike everyone else on the station I actually hadn’t met her before this week. I haven’t decided what restaurant we’re going to go to yet, I’m not sure if she’d enjoy Klingon food...”

Garak didn’t hear the rest of what Julian was saying. He felt like a chasm had opened up beneath him and he was falling, with no end in sight.

“If you’ll excuse me doctor,” Garak said, getting up from the table. “It’s time I reopen the shop.” Garak did not wait for a reply. 

He didn’t care if his abrupt exit had been rude, he needed to get away, far away. He didn’t go back to his shop, instead he boarded a turbolift and directed it to one of the upper pylons. He needed space, somewhere to breathe, somewhere that didn’t _smell_ like Dr. Julian Bashir.

Once he had found somewhere reclusive enough and had checked to make sure there were no maintenance crews around, Garak leaned against one of the bulkheads and slumped onto the floor. This is what he deserved, for daring to hope, for imagining that Julian would still choose him if they had to do it all over again.

He clenched his fists. He’d been so, so stupid! It was unbelievable. He should’ve known better, surely. 

“Garak!” called a voice from down the corridor.

Evidently he wasn’t going to get one fucking minute to himself.

“There you are,” Jadzia Dax said as she came around a corner to find the tailor sitting on the ground. “Julian was telling me about this date of his. What are you going to do about it?”

“I thought I had made it perfectly clear that I don’t intend to influence Julian’s choices one way or another.”

“You’re thinking about this all wrong,” Dax said with a shake of her head. “In order to repeat an experiment, all the variables have to be the same.”

“What exactly is so different?”

“You are! When you met Julian the first time, you pursued him, aggressively. It was obvious to me and just about everyone else on the station, even if it took him a while to catch on. Now you’re just standing to the side!”

“Julian was much more aware of what he was getting himself into the first time. As the humans like to say, ‘all the cards were on the table.’”

“You know what I think? I think this is what you want.” She said, folding her arms across her chest.

“I beg your pardon?”

“I think, deep down, you believed you never deserved him and now the universe is proving you right.”

“Ridiculous!” Garak snarled.

“Then tell me I’m wrong,” Dax said, fixing him with an unwavering gaze.

“You’re wrong.”

“As far as lies go, that wasn’t your best.”

“What exactly do you expect me to do? Waltz into the infirmary this very instant and sweep him off his feet?”

“You need to act, Garak. You love Julian, and Julian loved you, even if he doesn’t remember. There’s a chance he still loves you, he just needs a little... encouragement,” she paused. “You need to do what I couldn’t do with Lenara, you need to fight for that love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think we could all use a pep talk from Jadzia Dax every once in a while.
> 
> Thank you all for the wonderful comments. I enjoy them immensely.


	8. Eight

Garak would never admit that Dax was right, but it was true that the situation was becoming too much for him to bear. He had to bring an end to it, one way or another.

He was in his quarters now, calculating his next move. It was late, so he would invite Julian over tomorrow and explain everything to him, their first meeting, the wire, the Obsidian Order, everything they had shared over the past few years. Garak would tell it all. No more dancing around it, no more half-truths. It was time.

The door chime sounded and Garak sighed. This would all be so much easier if he had a moment to think without any interruptions. Garak moved towards the door to see who it could be. It was likely one of his more eccentric customers, a few of whom had a nasty habit of trying to get in touch with him outside of business hours.

When he opened the door he had to blink back a look of shook. It was Julian, and he looked furious.

“Let me in, we need to talk.”

Garak said nothing, but he stepped to the side and gestured for Julian to enter.

Julian walked in and immediately began to pace.

“I want to tell you about my date.”

“...I take it the dinner didn’t go as planned?” Garak ventured. He braced for the storm he could sense was coming.

“Oh no, the date was fine,” Julian said, his voice edged in bitterness. “Clara was lovely. She loves Klingon food and is hoping to go to school to be an engineer. We had a fantastic time.”

“Then I fail to see what the problem is.”

“The problem, my dear, Mr. Garak,” Julian spat, each word dripping with venom, “is what came after.”

Garak said nothing, there was nothing he could possibly say to reverse course so Julian plowed on ahead.

“Like I said, she was a lovely girl, so as we were leaving I went to give her a kiss goodnight. As I did that, I got this funny feeling in the back of my head, like that time I remembered your name in the corridor. All of the sudden a memory I had forgotten resurfaced.” Julian moved so that his face was mere inches away from Garak’s. “Do you know what I remembered?”

Garak could tell Julian was waiting for an answer, “what did you remember?” he asked cautiously.

“You, kissing me,” Julian said sharply and turned to sit down on the closest chair. “I panicked, obviously, and now Clara probably thinks I’m insane.”

Garak failed in hiding a wince.

“Now I want the truth, why didn’t you tell me about that?”

“About what exactly?” Garak asked. He wanted to laugh at this awful discussion.

“The kiss! Us!”

“It was a one time occurrence, hardly worth mentioning,” 

“Liar,” Julian hissed, standing up. “I could tell, this wasn’t some experimental, ‘kiss your friend because you’re drunk’ type scenario.”

Garak surrendered. “What do you want me to say, Julian?”

“Fucking hell, Elim! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because you don’t have all the information.”

“Then tell me what I need to know.”

“Fine,” Garak snapped, if this was how it was going to come out, then so be it. “Are you familiar with the Obsidian Order?”

Julian seemed to have been thrown off-balance. “...Yes”

“I served in the Order for years. I did anything and everything they asked of me. I manipulated, tortured, and killed more people than I can count, and I was good at it.” Now Garak was the one invading Julian’s space and the doctor took an involuntary step back.

“You’re lying,” Julian said, but he had lost his self-assurance.

Garak laughed, devoid of all humor. “You wanted the information, I’m giving it to you. I apologize if you don’t like what you’re hearing.”

“Garak, stop this.”

“It’s far too late for that. I said I did anything and everything the Order required of me, but there was one situation when I didn’t, and for that I was exiled to this cold, miserable station, doomed to die without the hope of ever setting foot on Cardassia again. I spent the first year you knew me under a chemically induced high because I couldn’t stand the cold or the damned Federation.”

“Elim, please—“ Julian was crying now.

“No! I swore to myself I would end this,” Garak continued. “When I first met you I thought you were young, beautiful, naive, a mark I could have fun with, but we started having lunch together and I was struck by your intelligence, your smile, your compassion. After the incident with the device that facilitated my addiction, you forgave me, for reasons I cannot begin to understand. You knew who I was, the kind of life I had lived. Even after I had screamed at you, attacked you, told you that I hated you, you forgave me. You held my hand and I—“ Garak’s voice broke. “I knew then that my heart was yours.”

Julian said nothing. He just looked at Garak.

The Cardassian pressed on. “And then there was the accident, and you forgot everything. I had no idea how to begin to rebuild what we had so I didn’t even try. I told myself that if it was meant to happen, it would happen again. I see now that it was a foolish sentiment.”

“Damn right it was foolish,” Julian said. He was clearly still angry, but his voice had softened considerably. “You’re telling me you spent the past week utterly miserable while I walked around like an idiot, completely oblivious to any damage I was causing.”

“You’ve only known me for a week, why does it matter how I feel?”

“Garak, my ability to care didn’t disappear along with my memories.” He paused. “Besides, I think some subconscious part of me knew that you were important. I think I knew I cared about you, when I first saw you in the infirmary, even if I didn’t know your name, let alone why.” 

Garak felt like the floor had dropped out from under him. “Julian, I just told you I’ve killed people.”

“I know that, and I’m not happy about it,” Julian said, “but it seems I’ve already forgiven you once, I’m prepared to do it again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one more chapter to go!
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has been commenting and leaving kudos. <3


	9. Nine

Garak stared. How was it that in every scenario, Julian’s goodness always won out.

“You don’t even know what you’re planning to forgive,” Garak protested.

“I have the jist of it,” Julian replied.

“Julian, it’s impossible for you to have any sort of understanding when all you have to go off of are a few sentences.”

Julian was silent for a few moments. “It almost seems like you don’t want to be with me.”

“No, that’s not—“

“Then why aren’t you letting me make that choice?”

Garak froze. “All I wanted, was for you to have a choice. I did not want you to feel that you had to be with me in the present just because of a history you no longer remembered.”

Julian’s face softened. “So that’s why you’ve been acting this way?”

Garak nodded.

Julian got up from the chair to move towards Garak. “Elim, you’ve been nothing but kind and patient towards me since the accident, and I don’t think you were acting under any sort of orders when it came to helping me. What makes you so certain that I wouldn’t choose you?”

“I am not an easy man to love, Julian.”

“Let me be the judge of that.”

Garak was aware of the sensation of Julian’s lips on his. It lasted for only a few moments before the Cardassian pulled away, “Julian,” he said softly, ”are you certain this is what you want?” Garak had to be sure that this was indeed the case, he could not move forward in a state of uncertainty.

Julian just smiled and cupped Garak’s face with his hands. “Absolutely,” he replied. Garak was pulled in for another kiss and this time he didn’t move away. He let himself relax, something that had seemed impossible over the past week. He drank in the feeling of Julian, why had he ever believed he would be content to never hold the human in his arms again? Now that Julian was here, truly here, once again, Garak was never going to let him go. “Julian...” he breathed when they came up for air.

“Yes, Elim?”

“I’m so very sorry.”

“I forgive you,” Julian said, and Garak had the sense that the forgiveness extended far beyond the current moment.

“Stay with me tonight?”

“I would love to, if it’s not too much trouble.”

“These are technically your quarters as well, my dear,” Garak said. “And they have felt far too large without your presence.”

“Well then, I’m glad to assist you by taking up space,” Julian smiled. “Although, maybe I should sleep on the couch, I don’t think I’m ready for—”

“I just want to hold you, Julian.” He hoped this admission would not damage the bridge they had just begun to rebuild.

“Alright.” Julian smiled. Thankfully, he seemed to understand.

Wordlessly, Garak offered Julian his hand and lead him to the bedroom. In Garak’s opinion, Julian did far more than just ‘take up space.’ If anything, he was the sun to which all nearby space gravitated.

When they entered the bedroom Julian paused and looked around.

“Do you recognize anything?” Garak asked.

“No, but I’m beginning to think it doesn’t really matter,” Julian said. “Not to say that the time we spent here wasn’t important,” he quickly added. “I just think I’ve reached the point of acceptance. Maybe my memories will all come back, maybe they won’t, in the meantime there’s nothing to stop me from making new ones.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” Garak said. He walked over to one of the dressers and pulled out a pair of pajamas for Julian.

“You kept some of my clothes here?”

“I felt it was important to be prepared for all possible scenarios.”

“So you thought something like this might happen?”

“No, my dear, I only hoped,” Garak said.

The doctor went to the bathroom to change, leaving Garak to get himself ready for bed. Garak slipped into his own nightclothes and then buried himself under a pile of blankets while he waited for Julian. 

He felt the sheets shift when Julian returned and climbed into the opposite side of the bed. Garak reached out and pulled Julian close, burying his face in the back of the human’s neck and letting out a contented sigh.

“I have a feeling you just missed having your own personal heater,” Julian said, and Garak could sense his smile.

“In your expert medical opinion, would it be more to my advantage to freeze to death?”

“I’ll have to do some looking into it.”

“When you are able to gather the evidence, then I will defer to your expertise on the matter, but for now I’d like to enjoy my personal heater.”

The pair lapsed into silence. As the minutes passed by, Garak felt himself drift closer and closer to sleep. He decided on one last parting remark before the night embraced him. “I love you, Julian,” he murmured.

Julian stilled and said nothing for several long moments. Finally he answered, “I—I’m not sure if I can really say that, yet, perhaps someday... But I can say that I feel safe with you and against my better judgment, I trust you.”

Garak nuzzled his shoulder by way of response.

Julian smiled. “Computer, lights off.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and commenting on this story! Your support means the world to me.
> 
> "Yesterday's Gone" is a lyric from the Fleetwood Mac song "Don't Stop" which was a big inspiration for this fic.
> 
> I haven't been writing as much lately because I started a new job and started grad school. However, I am still uploading chapters twice a week for my DS9/Voyager crossover, "The Everlasting Universe of Things" and I have a little Valentine's Day one-shot that will be uploaded on the 14th.
> 
> Feel free to follow me on tumblr @droids-in-disguise


End file.
